Sometimes I’m in the mood to be witnessed to.  It roughly coincides with when I’m in the mood to listen to my cube-neighbor open-mouth nom nom on an apple.  This comes around once every 130 years, and the last time was in 1975. 

So being that it’s 2009, we are WAY ahead of schedule to break out the soft candles and start playing the mood music.   And for all the Christians out there who believe that no one tries to “Go out into all the world and preach the gospel” anymore except for the small group of people you hang out with. TRY BEING AN ATHIEST FOR A WEEKEND and see just how many people carry the torch of Christ.  Trust me you can’t form your own “in-crowd” cause “in-crowds” are SMALL and the “Bible” crowd is very very big. Just ask facebook.

So I go to Bank of America to get a 1,230 dollar cashier’s check to pay the initial payment on my new apartment. This check signifies that I am financially solvent enough to pony up the cash a month ahead of time.  Two 80 year olds’ opinion of my liquidity is at stake.

So right off the bat, my teller is loony. Religion or no.  My teller was loony.  I got witnessed to/ hit on by an old religious man (who hated his own first name because it was the same as a famous GAY fashion designer) at Starbucks for a good hour the following day, and he was NOT loony (in the “I have a psychiatric condition” sense of the word).  So I know the difference.

The 45 year old mousy lady who served me started right of by getting chatty and personal. Which I sometimes appreciate if I’m dating you or if you can manage to talk and have motor function at the same time. And since it was to early to tell if a relationship was a possibility and since she spent 90% of the transaction doing nothing but trying to hold a conversation, I therefore did not appreciate it.  Did I mention that I was at a bank on a Saturday morning. Not appreciating standing there waiting for her to drill through her queue of actions and thoughts one at a time.

So she goes. “This must be for an apartment.”…just standing there.

Me.  (Still having a good day). “Yeah, I’m moving to a bigger place.”

“Really??, where to.”…just standing there.

…insert medium-length polite conversation about Studio City, size, location, roommates and how she just recently moved cause her greedy landlords raised her rent after 15 years of her being there…

I told her that I thought I was getting a great deal on the place, that the rent wasn’t that bad given the location and size and that I didn’t think the landlords had any idea what it was worth…

And she goes, “Either they don’t know what it’s worth OR  maybe they just aren’t greedy.”  I have a feeling she really thought it was the second one.

And I don’t really agree with her, but I whatever don’t care really.  So I say..

“Well, either way, it helps me be greedy cause I get to save a lot of money.”

Here she corrects me.  "You can’t be greedy if you are saving money, you can only be greedy if you are taking money.”   and it’s like sigh. LADY, just STOP ALREADY.  Either side is maximizing the amount of money they get to have. Maximization is the name of the game. You’re just pissed cause you don’t want to play and probably don’t understand the rules.  

And I don’t really agree with her, but I whatever don’t care really.

BUT then she goes. “All these problems would just go away if we just all relied on Jesus more.” She just said it. Like this wasn’t LA, like she didn’t work for a Company that I’m SURE would disapprove of pushing religion on paying customers, like she had never met an atheist, like as if saying what she said was like saying, “sure wish the smog would clear up,” or  “Would your child like a lollipop.” Because no one would say “Are you MAD woman. Actually, pretty upset they stopped the station fire so quickly. Was kind of nice being told to stay inside cause of the air quality.”

And that’s when I was DONE.  Jesus was supposedly IN her life and the only think I know about her is that she is one self-righteous condescending twatsicle who so far is incapable of finishing a bank transaction (otherwise known as DOING HER JOB). Cause if she wastes time on the job, that’s not greedy cause she’s the one taking Taking her paycheck money right, oh wait, she IS greedy, cause that’s the rule. Maximizing Taking = Greedy.  Damn, now I’m all confused cause I thought relying on Jesus fixed all that silly greedy stuff.  Apparently, BofA should just FIRE your ass and save themselves a lot of money, and therefore be all Christlike and ungreedy at the same time.

But I just say… “I don’t believe there is a God.”  And this shocked her a little cause up until now I’d just been nodding my head and saying uh huh.  So her whole reaction makes me think that no one disagrees with this lady, cause it just ain’t worth the trouble, cause she’ll probably just get all condescending (as before) and not understand every other word you say anyway.  But now I realize that this just gets her really confident that everything she says is GOOD STUFF. So after my statement, she gets INDCREDULOUS.  Like she’d never heard such a thing as “There is not a God.” 

And of course since she’s still not working on my cashier’s check.

And she says…bug eyed…wait for it…  “Then what do you believe in”?

And this is where I got Incredulous. Was she really saying “I believe in God cause people have to believe in something”?

And I say, “I don’t have to believe in anything.”

Her…“But do you ever think that one day you die and you don’t wake up.”  Which translates into. “Yo atheist, bet ya never thought of DEATH have you. Sorry to break it to you, but people are Mortal. What now?”   Like Really? ..Really. 

And i was all. “WHAT???? WE DIE?” cause that’s absurd ,and If I’d only known,  I would have gladly been molested by an authority figure in the church.”  Maybe I missed the connection she was making. Was it?  “We die, therefore there is a God?” was that the argument?

She is beyond hope and not being amusing.  I’m not into having religious discussions while i’m being held hostage.  I am not in this conversation because I found a drunk girl to laugh with outside a hookah bar, but because I’m giving her 7 dollars to write me a check for MY OWN MONEY. Ugh

I say, “Are you trying to witness, to me?”

and She repeats in a much lower voice.

“But you should think of that one day you die, and you don’t wake up.”

I say again, “Are you trying to witness to me?”

and she gets flustered and FINALLY finished my check.  Don’t like God, Get check.  ATMs are WAY easier to understand.

So I go to my new apartment to meet the new landlords and hand over the deposit, and they looked at the rent check, and they looked at me, and they said, “this rent check is no good to me.”

And my lovely, brilliant shining example of Christian love and charity had not signed the cashier’s check and made me look like a scam artist in front of my landlords.  I had to take off the 4 hours of my next day at work to DRIVE from Orange County to LA to get the manager of the bank to sign the check so that I could get the deposit to my landlords before they flew to Israel to see their new grandchild. 

This transaction cost me half a vacation day, respect from my employer, respect from my landlord, and at least 10 dollars in gas.  YOU woman, took this from me and gave it to no one, no one, no one, and Exxon Mobile.  Now that’s not even greed. That’s just waste.