I’ve been in school 2 weeks now, and the yucky and familiar school dream started about a week ago with a renewed vengeance. That hardly took very long.  I used to have the same exact dream all throughout my undergrad.  So I’ve been here before.

The scene of the dream changes every time, but the topic of the dream never does.  The dream is exactly like this => I’m 3 weeks into the semester and realize I had signed up for a class that I had forgotten I’d signed up for. So I haven't been going to that class. It’s one week past the time I can drop the class. So I’ve been getting ZERO marks for 3 weeks, and am unable to drop the class and unable to in any way recover my grade enough to pass. The teacher won’t reason with me, and my friends are all doing phenomenal in that class.

It’s always that scenario. Not ever a  dream where I forget to study for a test or come to school naked. It’s always that I added a class, then forgot about it completely.  I spend the rest of the dream freaking out and running through myriads of scenarios to try to improve my situation.  And I never can. Now I have the overwhelming understanding that I now have to work non-stop to catch up my knowledge in that class that is now far behind that of my classmates only to be given the slightest chance of a passing grade.  And I probably won’t be able to do it. And then all my studying for other classes, and all the risks I’ve taken are worth NOTHING. Cause If I fail one class, my GPA is destroyed and my life in essence amounts to just one big waste of time.

It sucks, cause I wake up stressed out.

The same dream still happened infrequently during these past 3 years while I’ve been working at my Consulting job, but I was always able to tell my dreaming self, that clearly this was not happening, that I’m not in school, so It’s ok. But now, I’m just screwed, cause the distinction between my dream life and my real life is much more similar now since we’re both in school, and I can’t tell that the dream isn’t real until I wake up.

How can my own brain keep getting tricked by itself? I’ve been aware of this dream for YEARS now. And I can have this dream multiple times in a week. But every time I have the dream, it’s just as real and just as scary as the time before. And it makes me feel so powerless that I can’t stop it from happening. That I can’t stop myself from beating myself up. It’s like I have this hand just whacking at my head and no matter how hard I try to sit on that hand or hold it to my side, it just finds it’s way back to whacking my head.